\"I feel like there are thumb tacks in my bed!\" I say to my
husband as he crawls into the other side of our bed. \"I know
there is nothing there, but I just feel bruised all over.\"

\"I\'m sorry,\" he offers with a sympathetic voice, but there
is little else he can do.

\"I feel kind of nauseous too,\" I say. \"I wonder if I should
get something to eat. . . But then that might upset my
stomach. It must be the drugs. I\'m sure it will pass.\" As I
finish my sentence he is snoring away.

For many of us, we have a deep friendship with our spouse.
If we share a good relationship we want to share our deepest
thoughts that are running through our brain. And even if our
relationship isn\'t as good as it once was, we may feel that
by explaining a bit about the pain that we are experiencing,
our spouse may actually understand our moodiness better and
be a bit more loving.

Although we don\'t want to burden them by constantly sharing
about our aches and pains, when we are hurting there is a
desire to be heard and have our feelings validated. By
talking out loud about what we are feeling, it somehow makes
the pain real. It\'s no longer \"all in our head.\"

Galatians 6:2 tells us \"Carry each others burdens, and in
this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.\" At some point
we must carry these burdens to the Lord, as well as a close
friend, rather than just count on our spouse to carry the
burden of listening about each ache.

Although your spouse may not be suffering from a physical
ailment, there are still many losses that he is grieving.
For example, it is an emotional thing to watch someone you
love be in pain and not be able to fix it. He may be
suffering as he watches you lose the ability to do things
you love. He likely misses the couple outings you once took
together when you could do physically active events, whether
it was skiing, or just taking long walks together on the
beach. He may be frustrated that even his hugs can cause you
to wince. Counselors have found that there are three major
areas where marriages suffer: money, time and physical
intimacy.

When it comes to chronic illness in a marriage, it\'s not
unusual to have all three of these be influential in
problems you are experiencing. Chronic illness adds a
weighty burden to each of these. How can we learn to \"share
our burdens\" within our marriage, yet also know when to not
dish out our burdens one after the other onto our spouse?

Be a team with your spouse

It\'s easy to think of you and your illness \"up against\"
your spouse, but the illness should be the third party, not
your spouse. Although you will often feel that your spouse
is merely a spectator to the pain you are in, he is feeling
his own kind of pain due to your illness. Make him a part of
fighting this battle to have the life you want to have in a
way that he is comfortable with.

Gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow his
presence at doctor\'s visits and provide answers to his
questions about your illness, especially when you are first
receiving a diagnosis. If he is not much of a reader,
instead of handing him the five books you\'ve read, give him
a brochure or find some podcasts that may be helpful for him
to listen to. Acknowledge that your roles or
responsibilities may be changing. If you are unable to scrub
the bathroom tub any longer, don\'t avoid talking about it
while the grime grows in there! Instead, be honest about
your limitations and decide together how to accomplish all
the tasks or household chores.

Connie Kennemer lives with multiple sclerosis and she
candidly shares that struggle that it can be to find the
right balance and word. \"I am not as mobile as I used to be
and I often ask more of my husband such as \'Can you work at
home this afternoon?\' or \'Why do you have to go to another
meeting?\' How much should he accommodate me because my body
is changing? He doesn\'t always know when to stop and
encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant
challenge.\"

Be reasonable in your expectations

It\'s not uncommon for us to marry someone who has the
opposite personality style as we do. You may feel the need
to read everything you can get your hands on about your
illness and attend all the support group meetings, but your
spouse doesn\'t respond to your diagnosis in the same way.
It\'s not because he doesn\'t care, he is just responding in a
way that is different from your own.

On the flip side, maybe you are emotionally overwhelmed the
diagnosis and you need to just sit back and take it all in
before you start doing research, while your spouse is
spending hours at the computer finding out everything he can
on the latest treatments, medications, and signing you up
for the healing service at church. He may accuse you of
being in denial about it all, since you aren\'t showing as
much passion as he is in finding out more about your
illness. An excellent book recommend in helping you
understand your communication styles better is \"Men are Like
Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti\" by Bill and Pam Farrell.

Have information about your illness readily available

Sometimes we can just talk in circles about our pain and
illness, never really getting to anything specific or a
topic that can help our marriage grow. Perhaps one of the
most effective tools to share something is to place sticky
notes on pages of a books you\'d like him to review with
comments about topics you\'d like to discuss. You can hand it
to him and say, \"There is a great example in this book about
what we are experiencing right now. Would you be willing to
read it and then maybe we can talk about it later?\" Shares
Connie, \"After ten years of living with MS, I am past the
whiney stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that\'s when I
need to ask him more questions about his feelings.\"

Creatively keep him informed about the embarrassing parts of the illness

If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom
during eighty percent of the events you attend together, you
need to let your spouse know that this is part of the
disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms.
You can say, \"I\'m dealing with some personal matters of this
illness right now; I don\'t really want to talk about them
yet, but they\'re in this brochure if you\'re wondering.\"
Avoid sharing every detail if you can.

Find other effective outlets for when you need to vent

\"I realized that I banked my frustrations of pain
throughout the day and then \'threw\' them at my husband when
he walked through the door,\" shares Cheryl, who lives with
chronic fatigue syndrome. \"I was setting the tone for our
entire evening. I felt better getting it off my chest, but
he felt worse, and it lasted all night. I could tell he was
beginning to dread walking through the door.\"

To rectify this Cheryl started to put aside the last couple
of hours each day before her spouse came home write in her
journal, pray or do something she enjoyed that was calming.
\"Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my
frustrations; prayer really began to minimize the negativity
too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it\'s made
our relationship so much stronger.\"

Get involved in some new hobbies

What else do you have going on in your life, other than
your illness? It\'s easy to be overwhelmed with doctor\'s
appointments and just maintaining our illness, but it can
result in a pretty dull life. Even if you have limited
energy, do something you\'ve always wanted to do that doesn\'t
have a deadline. Put together memory albums for your
grandchildren, clean out just one drawer, find a new craft
or hobby, volunteer to be on a prayer chain. Soon you will
find that your illness actually is the last thing you want
to talk about when you have had such more interesting events
in your day.

Conclusion

So, the question remains: how much talk is too much?
Unfortunately, there is not a perfect answer that applies to
everyone. It\'s different for each person and each marriage.
Learn to be objective. Honestly ask yourself, \"How often am
I bringing up my illness? How do I benefit from talking
about it more often than necessary? Do I need validation?
Understanding? Actual physical help with tasks around the
house?\" If you want attention from your spouse and this
seems to be the only way to get it, admit that to yourself!
How can you get some of these needs filled by God instead of
your spouse? How is it negatively impacting your life, or
those around you, by discussing it all the time?

Next, stop and ask yourself \"Is there a better, more
creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse,
other than just sharing my aches and pains? How can we grow
closer together? What activities can we still share?\"

And then when you want to share about your pain, send up a
prayer to the Lord beforehand: \"Lord, I don\'t want to
burden anyone else with something they can\'t fix, and I
really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my
spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know
when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to
come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional
needs.\"

You will find more articles and important support while living with chronic illness visit Rest Ministries and subscribe to fresh content and be entered for our monthly giveaway. Lisa Copen is the director of Rest Ministries, author of \"Beyond Casseroles:505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend\" and
founder of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week.